Mental Health Blog

Too Tired/Busy to Connect…..think again!

Categories: Relationship

marriage counseling grand junctionSometimes barriers toward intimacy cause as many divorces as fights and hostility do. Intimacy is tough. It is hard to bare all in front of another person. It can be excruciating to let down our armor and really admit to how we feel, where we are weak, where we have failed, and how much we are afraid of to another person. Successful relationships are not easy!

Fighting and disagreements can lead to divorce, but a fear of true intimacy is also a factor.

Busyness can lead couples to exist in these parallel lives where they survive, but do not connect. Connecting takes work and effort, and sometimes that feels like more than either spouse can afford. So they do not connect.

Couples often exist in that parallel business of living together but not really knowing each other. It is the beginning of a wedge that will grow wider over time. The couple is good as roommates and the business of marriage, but strangers to each other in not connecting in an intimate way.

But, a warning: if you allow the wedge to grow… if you don’t invest at least 10 minutes a day to expressing appreciation and asking each other how you’re doing… you could wind up in a divorce court in a completely preventable situation. You could end up saying to each other, “you don’t know me at all” and allow that disconnection to completely divide and separate… “we just grew apart…”

3 Things You Must Do When You’re Just Too Tired/Busy To Connect

So, when you’re just too tired, do these three things:

  1. Tell your partner that you’re too tired.

Start by acknowledging the distance and the disconnection that you’re feeling. Simply saying that much can be enough to connect you for the moment. Then…

  1. Make an appointment with each other.

I mean it… put it on the calendar. Maybe it’s 20 minutes while the kids nap on a Saturday. Maybe it’s an hour while you’ve checked them into the childcare at the gym. Maybe you meet up for lunch while the kids are in school. But, put it on your calendar and don’t let anything take priority over it.

  1. Share something… ANYTHING (a feeling, affirmation, need).

During your appointment be ready to share three things that are on your mind and ask them three things that are on theirs. At least one of those three things should be some form of admiration or appreciation for your spouse.

Intimacy takes work. It takes effort and commitment. There are a ton of great ways to have meaningful conversations and enjoy new adventures and we could tell you about all of them. But, when you’re too tired, all of that is just too much work! When you’re too tired, all of the brilliant ideas seem brilliant for people who have more energy and time than you do. Instead of discouraging you with a huge task, encourage you with these three simple steps. Avoid the wedge, or acknowledge it when you begin to feel it, and then try something small to close the distance… a six second kiss… a two minute conversation… a lingering hug… A bid for connection….Those simple things could prevent all of those feelings of disconnection and division and truly help you both see past this utterly busy season so that you can connect.

Author: Kevin Leapley

Kevin Leapley is the director of sexual addiction counseling at Front Range Counseling Center in Denver Colorado. Kevin has been certified as a sexual addiction therapist under the training of Dr. Patrick Carnes.

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